I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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