my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
