Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
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just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
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There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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