She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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