dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
