he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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