I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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