I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
there's paper in my vomit.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
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