toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
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