Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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