I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
