On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
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So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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