I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
we're making bets on your personal life
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what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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