So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
