I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
