i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
