Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
