I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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