Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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