I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
