Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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