Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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