it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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