I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
