My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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