Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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