I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
