I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
