she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
