When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
