i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
