he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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