I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Houston, we have a blender
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
