And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
