she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
