the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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