I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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