I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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