I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
