Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
