yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
