I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
