well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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