Apparently you make a good broom.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
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I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
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That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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