I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
