I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
