i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
