i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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