The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
