we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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