we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
50% drunk capacity currently
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
