Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
