Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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