It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
3 2 1 whiskey
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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