I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Randomize
