I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
We don't watch enough power rangers
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
