Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
