Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
whose parrot is this?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
